


100 Days

by englishstrawbie



Category: Grey's Anatomy, Station 19 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Betrayal, F/F, Forgiveness, Idiots in Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 08:36:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24846919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/englishstrawbie/pseuds/englishstrawbie
Summary: Set after episode 3x15. It takes Carina some time to forgive and forget what Maya did - 100 days, in fact.
Relationships: Maya Bishop & Carina DeLuca, Maya Bishop/Carina DeLuca
Comments: 38
Kudos: 326





	100 Days

**Author's Note:**

> There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.  
> — Bryant H. McGill

Day 1

Carina wakes late and only because her cellphone is vibrating against her bedside table. She is buried under a mountain of blankets intended to shield her from the morning light and she emerges slowly, her hand fumbling until it finds her phone. She pushes back the covers to see who is calling, but as soon as she sees Maya’s name, she hits the decline button and tosses the phone aside. It narrowly misses the glass of water she brought to bed and falls to the floor. She doesn’t bother to retrieve it.

She blinks a few times, but the sun is too bright and she pulls the blankets over her head once again. She groans. Her head hurts, the kind of headache you get after too many tequila shots the night before.

Except this isn’t a hangover.

This is a _my-girlfriend-slept-with-her-ex-boyfriend_ headache.

Just thinking about Maya’s confession makes her feel sick. Maybe she should have seen it coming. After all, Maya had told her that she was broken but Carina hadn’t listened. Instead, she had jumped in, fallen in love and had her heart torn into pieces.

It’s not just her heart; her whole body aches. Maya’s words had hit her like a punch in the gut, and all night, whether she was awake or asleep, her mind had been haunted with the image of Maya and Jack together. It’s like a nightmare she can’t escape.

Her head tries to convince her that Maya isn’t worth the grief, but her heart tells her otherwise. She feels the tears coming again and buries her face in her pillow to hide her sobs. It feels like a pain that is never going to go away.

From the floor, her phone buzzes. If it’s Maya, she doesn’t want to know, but she needs to check that it’s not Andrew texting her from the treatment center he checked into a few weeks ago. With a heavy sigh, she emerges from the blankets once again and leans down to pick up her phone. She squints through the light to read the message on the screen.

_I’m so sorry. I screwed up. Please can we talk?_

Carina drops the phone again and dives back under the covers. There is nothing Maya can say that will fix this.

Day 2

Carina calls in sick. She can’t face people right now and, even if she could, she’s had so little sleep that she would be a danger to her patients. She spends the day flicking through the television channels, unable to concentrate on anything as her mind continues to be her worst enemy.

She wishes she could turn it off, just forget about Maya for a while. But just as the firefighter captured her thoughts in the best of times, she plagues her in the worst of times too.

It’s just before midday when her phone pings.

_Please talk to me, I need to explain. I’m so sorry._

Carina deletes the message and turns off her phone.

Day 3

The walls of Carina’s townhome feel like they are closing in on her and she needs to escape. The only place she knows to go is the hospital, so she goes back to work. She feels like she’s on autopilot all day: greeting patients with a fake smile, making small talk with her colleagues – as if everything is normal, as if everything is okay.

Except it’s not okay. Inside, she’s screaming.

She keeps her phone in her bag all day. It’s only when she finishes her shift that she pulls it out to check for messages. The top message is from Maya.

_Can I come see you? I need to explain. Please._

She doesn’t answer.

Day 4

It’s late by the time Carina arrives home. It had been a busy day full of difficult cases – including a 15-hour labor, a mom-to-be with end-stage breast cancer and a placental abruption. All she wants is to sink into the bathtub with a glass of wine to soak away the tension that has built up in her back and shoulders. So when she pulls up her car to see a familiar figure sat on her door step, she sighs. Not this, not today. She contemplates putting her foot back on the gas and driving away, before the anger resurfaces. This is her house!

She grabs her purse and exits her car. Maya stands and Carina can see that she’s nervous, her weight shifting from foot to foot. She walks up the path but Maya blocks her way to her front door.

“What do you want?” Carina says roughly.

“You haven’t answered any of my texts,” Maya says.

Carina scoffs, but doesn’t speak.

“Please, I just want to talk. I want to explain.”

Carina stays silent, her only movement to fold her arms across her chest defensively.

“I’m sorry,” Maya says. “Please believe me when I say that, I’m so so sorry. I need you to understand it wasn’t about you. Or Jack. I was hurt and confused and I know I messed up.”

Carina doesn’t react, her face remaining pinched and angry as she listens to Maya’s excuses. That is all she hears: excuses.

“Please, Carina, I just want…”

“Oh my god, Maya!” Carina cries. She drops her arms, her hands clenched in a tight fist. “Listen to yourself! I want… I need… it’s always about you!”

“That’s not… I’m sorry, I’m just…”

“No!” Carina cuts her off. “You know what I need? I need you to have never walked away from our fight. I need you to have never gone to the station. I need you to never have slept with Jack! But you did and there’s nothing you can say that’s going to change that.”

With that, she strides up the steps, barging past Maya to get to the door. Her hands tremble as she fishes her keys from her bag and opens the lock.

“Carina please…”

“Go away, Maya,” Carina says, slamming the door in her face.

Day 5

Carina doesn’t sleep well, too riled up from her exchange with Maya. She wakes up angry and exhausted and deflated. She runs the shower hot, so hot that it turns her skin red as she tries to wash off the grief she is feeling.

It doesn’t work.

There’s a message waiting for her when she gets out of the shower.

_I won’t go away. I don’t want to lose you. Please, I want to make this right._

Carina feels her chest tighten. There’s nothing Maya can do that will make this right.

Day 10

As soon as she steps into the hospital, Carina is pulled into a trauma with a pregnant woman who had been trapped in an overturned car for almost three hours. It’s a fight to keep her from going into pre-term labor, but it’s a fight Carina wins and at last she feels like something is going right. She gets to her office feeling jubilant.

She digs out her phone from her pocket. No messages.

Amelia stops by for a visit with the baby. The kid is cute, Carina has to admit. He gurgles in her arms and smiles sweetly at her as she talks to him in Italian, his tiny body warm against her chest. Amelia invites her to lunch and she gladly accepts.

She checks her phone when she gets back to her desk. No messages.

She spends the afternoon buried in charts. She has had a series of cancer patients referred to her lately and it has sparked a research idea. It has been a while since she has had a project to keep her busy and the afternoon passes quickly.

She is so distracted that she doesn’t think about her phone until it’s time to go home. No messages.

Her good mood diminishes a little when she arrives home. She still isn’t used to the silence. She switches on the radio to play in the background as she makes dinner. She flicks through a medical journal as she eats. She watches a travel documentary about the Italian coast. She curls up in bed early with a book, the small print on the page tiring out her eyes.

She plugs in her phone to charge overnight. No messages.

Day 16

Carina is catching up on charts when Jo saunters into her office and flops down in the chair on the opposite side of her desk.

“Uh, hi,” Carina says cautiously. “Did we have an appointment?”

Her eyes dip to Jo’s stomach and back up again. Jo registers the inference and her eyes grow wide.

“Oh God, no!” Jo says. “I came to ask you to go out with me.”

Carina’s eyebrows shoot upwards in surprise. This was unexpected. “Excuse me?”

“Tomorrow night. Joe’s, after work,” Jo says.

Carina shoots her a bemused look with a small shake of her head. Jo slumps her shoulders and sighs.

“I live with Schmitt now,” she says. “He’s actually pretty great but he’s also driving me crazy. He’s like a sad puppy, all he does is talk about Nico and, look, I get it. I got dumped too.”

Jo offers her a sympathetic glance. “And I heard things didn’t work out with your girlfriend.”

Carina drops her eyes. She doesn’t know Jo well enough to talk about that.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to overstep,” Jo says. “I just… I need a break from Schmitt, so please – come out with me tomorrow night?”

It’s a sweet offer, but a crowded bar is the last place Carina wants to be right now. She opens her mouth to politely decline the offer, but is interrupted by a knock at the door. Her turns her head and sees Maya stood nervously waiting to be invited in.

The first thing Carina notices is her hair – it’s short and choppy, sitting above her shoulders. She wonders what prompted the change, but her curiosity is dampened by the memory that floods into her mind and the words that broke her heart just two weeks ago. Her body immediately tenses up, her expression growing stern.

The mood in the room turns dark and Jo shifts uncomfortably in her chair.

“Uh, I’m gonna go,” she says. 

She’s almost out the door before Carina calls after her.

“Hey Jo? Count me in for tomorrow night,” Carina says. She doesn’t mean it, she knows she’s going to cancel their plans at the last minute, but right now she wants Maya to know that she’s getting on with life without her. It’s petty, she knows, but the hurt and anger is just as present today as it was the night Maya threw her betrayal in her face.

Maya looks puzzled but steps inside as Jo walks out.

“What are you doing here?”

“Sullivan’s having his surgery today. Andy’s spinning out. We’re all here for support,” Maya answers.

Carina looks at her, giving nothing away in her face.

“What are you doing _here_ , in my office?”

Maya takes another cautious step forward. “I wanted to see you. I… I miss you.”

Carina rolls her eyes. “Maya…”

“You were right,” Maya interrupts before she can tell her to go away again. “About my dad, you were right. My mom was right, my brother was right. The tough love, it was more than that.”

She closes her eyes for a moment as she takes a deep breath. “It was abuse. He… abused me.” She takes a shaky breath. “You were right and I’m sorry that I wouldn’t listen to you. I’m sorry that I pushed you away. And more than anything, I’m sorry that I hurt you so badly. I was cruel and… and I know that I have no right to ask you to forgive me. But I still want you to know that I’m really _really_ sorry. If I could take it all back, I would, but I can’t.” Her voice breaks as she wills the tears to stay away for just a little bit longer. “All I can do is tell you that I’m sorry and… and hope that you believe it, even if you can’t accept it.”

Carina continues to watch her. She feels a wave of sympathy run through her body as Maya acknowledges the trauma of her childhood. It was what Carina had wanted for her, after all. But that part of her heart is closed off now and she’s not willing to open it again, not for Maya or anyone else. She doesn’t trust herself to speak and all she can do is nod her head.

“I know you want space and I’m gonna give it to you,” Maya continues. “But I meant what I said. I’m not giving up on you – or us. At least, I’m not giving up on the hope that maybe one day you can forgive me and trust me again. Because… because I love you.”

Carina flinches at the confession. There was a time when those words were all she wanted to hear, but not any more.

“I wish I’d told you that before. I wish I’d told you the night you held me after Pruitt died, because that’s when I knew,” Maya says ruefully, her eyes full of tears. “I wish I’d told you that I love you and you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Maya squares her body and looks Carina straight in the eye. “That’s why I’m not giving up.”

“Maya,” Carina says gently.

“Don’t,” Maya says. “Don’t tell me there’s no hope. Please.”

Carina tilts her head and looks sadly at her. She doesn’t feel hopeful at all that they could ever find their way back to being anything close to what they were. There’s too much hurt and too much anger.

There’s an apology on the tip of her tongue and it seems ridiculous that she should apologise, but she is sorry because she can see Maya’s heart breaking in front of her. She feels her own chest tighten.

Maya drops her head and exhales deeply, willing her body to stop shaking. “I’d better go,” she whispers defeatedly without looking up. “Get back to Andy.”

She turns and walks towards the door.

“Maya?” Carina calls after her.

Maya pauses and it takes a moment before she turns to look at her.

“Thank you,” Carina says.

Maya nods her head and leaves, and it’s only then that Carina lets her own tears fall.

Day 18

As soon as she steps into her office, Carina smells coffee. Not just any coffee, but the rich Guatemalan coffee beans from her favorite coffee shop, Fenton’s. It’s the coffee shop that’s conveniently situated in between the hospital and the fire station, and the coffee shop that she and Maya would stop at on their way to work. It’s the coffee shop she hasn’t been back to in the last three weeks.

She spies the familiar paper cup on her desk and she wanders over curiously. There’s a scribbled note waiting for her.

_I came to see Sullivan before work and thought you might appreciate your favorite coffee – because I was thinking about you, like I do every day._

_Maya x_

Carina picks up the cup. It’s still hot and Carina realises that Maya must have been in her office only moments ago. Thick steam escapes as she takes off the lid and the aroma immediately takes her back to those soft kisses goodbye, drops of coffee still on Maya’s lips as she presses them to hers. It makes her heart hurt all over again and she can’t bring herself to take even a sip. She puts the lid back on and drops the full coffee cup into the trashcan.

She re-reads the note, her fingertips running over the words that Maya has written. Carina had thought their conversation two days ago would be the last time she would hear from her, yet here she is, refusing to let her go. She wishes she found it endearing, but it’s exhausting. Whatever they had was gone and they both need to move on.

At least, that’s what Carina keeps telling herself.

Day 25

Jo has finally persuaded Carina to join her for a night out at Joe’s. It’s a busy Friday evening and the room is crowded. They’re perched on stools at one end of the bar and are already on their second bottle of wine. Jo has insisted on one rule: no talking about their exes. It doesn’t stop her from talking about everyone else’s exes though and Carina is learning a lot about her colleagues’ complicated love lives.

Since she arrived at Grey Sloan three years ago, Carina has mostly kept to herself except for her relationship with Arizona and brief fling with Owen. She knows little bits from her brother, but Andrew isn’t really one for gossip. With each glass of wine, Jo’s tongue gets a little looser. She is halfway through the story about Jackson interrupting April’s first wedding when a group arrives at the bar. They’re noisy without being obnoxious, and Carina’s eyes flick to them.

She recognises Dean and Vic at the front, the rest of Station 19 following them to a recently vacated table. Her eyes seek out Maya and she spots her, shielded by Travis. She’s still not used to seeing Maya’s short hair. It’s been styled since the first time she saw it, chopped short at the back and hanging longer at the front.

Jack is the first one to see her at the bar and Carina‘s face darkens when their eyes meet. He looks away quickly and she sees him say something to Maya, who looks over at her. She gives a small wave, which Carina returns. Jo looks over her shoulder at the fire crew and then back at Carina.

“Are you okay?”

Carina sighs. “I’ve lived in Seattle for three years. For the first two-and-a-half I didn’t know her and I was fine. Now she’s everywhere.”

“Maybe it’s the universe trying to tell you something?” Jo wonders.

“Or punishing me?” Carina mutters.

Jo chuckles. “Or that.” She pours them both another glass of wine, emptying their second bottle. “Do you want to get out of here?”

“No,” Carina says with a small shake of her head. “It’s fine.”

Jo doesn’t look convinced but goes ahead and orders a third bottle of wine anyway. “Where was I? Jackson and Kepner, right! We get to the part of the wedding where the guests are asked to support the marriage and everyone’s all ‘we will’. So they’re about to move onto the vows when all of a sudden Jackson stands up…”

Carina is only half listening, too distracted by Maya’s presence on the other side of the bar. She can feel Maya’s blue eyes watching her, notices when Vic pushes her towards the bar, and is all too aware when she approaches them.

“Hey,” Maya says softly.

“Hey,” Carina says with a small smile.

“Hey,” Jo says. She looks from Carina to Maya and back again, conscious that she is suddenly a third wheel. “I think I’m gonna go to the bathroom.”

She gestures towards the restrooms and slips off her chair, a little unsteady on her feet as she walks away. Carina watches her for a moment to make sure she gets there in one piece, before looking back at Maya. There’s an awkward air between them that both of them feel.

“How are you?” Maya asks.

“Okay. You?”

“Okay,” Maya says. Her eyes graze over her. “You look good.”

“So do you,” Carina concedes. “Your hair…”

Maya instinctively runs her hand through it. “I’m still getting used to it.”

“It looks good on you,” Carina says kindly.

Maya gives her a small, grateful smile. “So, I stopped by your office last week. Did you…”

“I did, thank you,” Carina says. She doesn’t tell her that the coffee had gone straight into the trash.

Maya shrugs. “It didn’t seem right, being there at the coffee shop without you,” she says. “I miss you.”

Carina looks away. She knows Maya wants her to say it back and she can’t. She won’t, even if it’s true. She hears Maya exhale slowly. 

“I’m sorry,” Maya says. “I didn’t mean to ruin your evening, I didn’t know you were going to be here. I can go.”

Carina looks at her and shakes her head. “No, don’t,” she says. “We… we have to learn to exist in the same space.”

Maya looks at her and nods in sad acceptance.

It’s at that point that Jo returns. “Do I need to use the bathroom again?”

“No,” Maya says, backing away. “You two enjoy your evening.” She walks off quickly and returns to her friends.

“Are you okay?” Jo asks again as she settles on her bar stool.

Carina sighs again. “Tell me it gets easier.”

“What?”

“Fixing a broken heart,” Carina says.

Jo laughs and pushes Carina’s wine glass towards her.

“I’ll tell you if it ever happens.”

Day 38

Carina sits outside the Bellevue Treatment Center, her fingers tapping nervously on the steering wheel as she waits for her brother.

Andrew was diagnosed with Bipolar two months ago. It hadn’t been a surprise, Carina had seen it coming for years – it was the reason she had come to America, after all. She had watched him slowly fall apart, fighting against her every step of the way until he finally reached breaking point. She had got him into a treatment program, the best in the city. It had taken some persuasion, but with the help of Meredith he had finally agreed to go.

She remembers the drive when she brought him here. He didn’t speak the whole journey and Carina couldn’t tell if it was acceptance or defeat. Andrew had got out of the car and she had guided him inside, hugging him goodbye, promising to be there when he came home, promising to always look after him. She knows she was saying it more for herself than him, and she’s not sure he heard her anyway. 

Now here she is, eight weeks later, waiting to pick him up and bring him home. She arrives almost an hour early, but she has been jittery ever since she woke up and figured she might as well get on the road.

Andrew’s doctors have told her that he has made good progress and that he’s ready to come home. They’re confident that he will be able to return to work. He’s called her every now and again, and she has been grateful for every minute on the phone with him, every chance to hear his voice and know that he is okay. Grateful to know that he’s not mad at her for bringing him here.

She wishes she had brought a distraction with her, a book maybe. The waiting is hard. Not that she would be able to concentrate on reading right now.

Her cellphone pings. She figures it’s Meredith chasing for an update, but when she turns her phone over she sees Maya’s name. It’s the first time Carina has heard from her since she saw her at Joe’s. Carina opens the message.

_Hey. I know your brother is coming home today and I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking about you. Both of you. I hope he’s doing good and that you’re ok._

_Maya x_

Carina stares at the message. They haven’t spoken about her brother since their break up and it takes her by surprise that Maya knew the importance of today. She types a brief message in reply.

_You remembered?_

She sees the three dots flash as Maya types.

_Of course. How are you?_

She types out a reply.

_I’m ok. I’m waiting for him now. I’m desperate to see him. I’m nervous to see him. I’m nervous about what his future will be and if I can protect him._

Her finger hesitates over the phone, unsure whether to send it. It felt odd to confide in Maya after all they have been through, but she needs to talk to someone and somehow Maya knew to text her when she needed it the most. She hits send and waits.

_I think feeling nervous is normal. I bet he’s nervous too. You’re a good sister, Carina. Everyone can see how much you love him. Just keep showing up for him._

Her words prompt a memory in Carina’s mind. It had been one of those rare mornings where neither of them had to get up for work and they had stayed curled up in bed together, listening to the rain against the windows and grateful to be warm and dry inside. They had still been at the getting-to-know-you stage of their relationship and were talking about their families. Maya had told her about her brother, Mason; about the difficult relationship he’d had with their father and how he had ended up using drugs as an escape; about how the last time she had seen him, he had been living on the streets.

 _‘I should’ve done more, called him more,’_ Maya had said. _‘I should’ve kept showing up, even when he pushed me away.’_

For every time Meredith had tried to convince her that Andrew didn’t need to go into a residential program, Maya had been the one encouraging her to follow her instincts and do what she felt was right. She knew that part of it was Maya’s own guilt about how she hadn’t been able to help her own brother.

She types out a simple reply.

_Thank you._

Maya’s reply comes back quickly.

_Any time. I mean it, I’m here for you if you need to talk. x_

Carina doesn’t reply. She won’t allow herself to feel that, she won’t allow herself to rely on Maya. Not now.

She shoves her phone back in her bag.

Maybe not ever.

Day 46

Carina has just delivered her third baby of the day when she gets a text from Jo.

_Just in case you were heading to the pit any time soon, I thought you might want to know that Schmitt just stitched up Maya’s head. She’s ok – head lac, we’re keeping her here for observation in case of concussion until someone can pick her up. Jo x_

Carina fires off a quick thank you and goes back to updating her patient’s record, but Jo’s message plays on her mind. She kicks herself for caring but five minutes later and she is on her way downstairs.

She keeps her distance at first, hovering at the nurses’ desk as her eyes sweep the room, finally spotting Maya along the back wall. Her eyes are closed, her head tipped to one side. Carina frowns. Who was observing her? They shouldn’t let her sleep while she’s under observation for a concussion.

She spies Jo and Helm working on a trauma victim in Trauma 1, while Schmitt is taking the vitals of a young boy nearby.

Carina crosses the room and stands at the foot of Maya’s bed, picking up her chart and flicking through the notes. A deep head laceration caused by a man’s signet ring, local anaesthetic given and ten stitches administered. No work for three days recommended. She had complained of a headache and nausea but she was alert and remembered the incident clearly – if a little irritable. Carina smirks at that, she has no doubt that Maya is pissed off at being brought to the hospital and ordered to rest for 72 hours.

“Hey.”

Carina looks up from the chart to see Maya awake and looking at her.

“Uh hi. I was just, uh…”

Maya watches her stumble over her words.

“Jo told me you were here, I just wanted to check you were okay,” Carina admits.

“I’m okay,” Maya says. “Got a killer headache, I’m waiting for the pain meds to kick in.”

“What happened?” Carina asks curiously.

Maya rolled her eyes. “Some idiot got drunk and set his garage on fire. He wanted to run back in and save his motorcycle, I went to stop him and the next thing I know his fist is coming at me. I tried to dodge it but wasn’t fast enough. He had this big ugly ring on his finger and…”

She gestures to the bandage on her head.

Carina frowns. “And him?”

“Sleeping it off in a police cell, I think,” Maya says.

“You know you shouldn’t be alone tonight, not with a suspected concussion,” Carina says. “I mean… is there someone who can stay with you?”

Maya looks surprised, and a little pleased, by her concern.

“I’ll be okay. Vic moved in – she needed somewhere to stay and I had a spare room,” she explains. “She’s on her way.”

Carina offers her a small smile. “Good.”

Silence falls and Carina leans back on her heels, ready to escape.

“How’s your brother?” Maya asks. 

“He’s doing good,” Carina says, her face lighting up a little. “He spoke with Doctor Bailey yesterday about returning to work. I think that will be good for him, you know?”

Maya smiles. “That’s good, I’m glad.”

It’s at that moment that Vic rushes in. “I’m here!” she says breathlessly. “Wow, you look rough.”

She suddenly notices Carina. “Oh shit, sorry. Did I interrupt something?”

She looks hopefully at them both.

“No,” Carina says quickly. She sees disappointment wash over Maya’s face and softens her tone. “I have patients waiting for me, I’d better go.”

“Thanks for coming to check up on me,” Maya says.

“Of course,” Carina says, giving a small nod of her head.

She can feel Maya’s eyes burning into her skin as she walks away and wishes she didn’t care so much.

Day 55

Carina is running late. A lavish breakfast of pastries and fruit, courtesy of Andrew, followed by an early morning phone call from her father, have delayed her. It’s almost 8.10am, her rounds start at 8.30am, and it’s a fifteen minute drive to the hospital without traffic. She grabs her jacket and bag, rushes out the door, and immediately trips over a package on her doorstep.

“Fanculo!” she curses under her breath. 

She looks down and sees a small, neatly wrapped gift by her feet. She picks it up and turns over the label.

_Happy birthday. I saw this and thought of you. Maya x_

Despite being late, Carina stops and sits down on the step, curious about what’s inside the pink and blue paper. She unwraps it to uncover a book, _Beautiful Ruins_ by Jess Walter. She turns it over to read the synopsis on the back.

_The story begins in 1962. On a rocky patch of the sun-drenched Italian coastline, a young innkeeper, chest-deep in daydreams, looks out over the incandescent waters of the Ligurian Sea and spies an apparition: a tall, thin woman, a vision in white, approaching him on a boat. She is an actress, he soon learns, an American starlet, and she is dying._

_And the story begins again today, half a world away, when an elderly Italian man shows up on a movie studio's back lot – searching for the mysterious woman he last saw at his hotel decades earlier._

Carina is always looking for stories set in Italy, scouring the shelves in used bookstores as she craves a little bit of home. It drives Maya crazy.

It used to drive Maya crazy.

Carina runs her fingers over the book cover. She feels touched at the thoughtful gift, but sad too. It’s a sadness she’s been struggling to shake off.

She’s running really late now, so she shoves the book into her bag along with her sadness. She’ll unpack it later.

Day 65

Carina stands outside of Fenton’s Coffee Shop. It has been more than two months since she last stepped foot inside, the place holding too many memories of her relationship with Maya. But it’s been two months and she has become used to their paths crossing sometimes. She doesn’t feel angry any more, and even though the sadness is easing, she can’t shake it off completely. She wants to, she knows she can’t hold on to the hurt forever.

Grabbing a drink from her favorite coffee shop is another thing she has to get used to doing by herself.

She steps inside. It’s busy and she joins the queue, waiting for ten minutes before she can place her order. With a steaming cup in her hand, she surveys the room. Not a single table is free.

“Hey.”

A familiar voice causes her to spin around and she finds Maya standing behind her. She groans inwardly. Maya is the last person she wanted to see here.

“I’m almost done, you want my table?”

She gestures towards a small table for two by the window.

“Sure,” Carina says tentatively. This doesn’t feel like a good idea but she sits down opposite her anyway.

Maya spies the birthday gift that sits at the top of her bag.

“You like the book?”

“I do,” Carina says with a smile. “Thank you for thinking of me.”

Maya smiles back at her and runs her fingers nervously through her hair. Carina’s still curious about what made her cut it and figures it’s a safe topic of conversation to avoid the awkward silence that will inevitably fall.

“So, what made you cut your hair?”

“Oh, it was spur of the moment,” Maya says dismissively.

She tries to wave it off, but a faint frown line forms on her face.

“Maya?”

Maya shakes her head. “It’s nothing. It’s a long story.”

Maybe it wasn’t a safe topic of conversation after all and there’s something about Maya’s reaction that worries her. Impulsively, Carina reaches out and places her hand on top of Maya’s. “I’ll listen if you want to talk.”

She sees Maya processing her words in her head and she squeezes her hand gently, before letting go and giving her the space she needs to talk.

“My dad,” Maya says, her voice shaky. “He, uh, he turned up at work and followed me to an incident. He was mad, I think, because of my mom leaving and… and I’d been ignoring his calls, so I guess he thought I was siding with her.” She recognises the own irony in her words. “We got into an argument and he, um… he grabbed my hair.”

Carina’s face darkens. “You said he never got physical.”

Maya smiles sadly. “I said he never hit me,” she corrects her. “Sometimes he… did things. A bucket of water over the head, making me train until the blisters on my feet burst.” She shakes her head. “It was tough love, I thought. I never saw it as abuse. I didn’t want to see it.”

“So why now?” Carina asks. 

Maya looks at her. “You. My mom,” she answers. “I think I just wasn’t ready. And then we had this fight and…”

“And so you cut your hair?”

Maya lets out a small laugh. “I told you it was spur of the moment.”

Carina looks at her with concern. “Are you okay?”

“About my dad? Kind of,” Maya says with a shrug. “I’m working through it.” She looks at Carina with her piercing blue eyes. “About you and me? No.”

Carina sighs and leans back in her chair. She knew this was a bad idea.

“Maya…”

“Will you ever be able to forgive me?”

There’s a desperation in her voice that makes Carina’s heart ache. There are times she wishes she could just move on and they could go back to being happy and in love. But she knows it’s never that easy.

“I do forgive you,” she says eventually.

“You do?”

Maya reaches across the table for her hand but Carina pulls away quickly.

“But I can’t forget,” she says. “I get that you were going through something and I understand why you were pulling away from me. But sleeping with Jack? And then throwing it in my face just to hurt me? You were right, it was cruel, and I can’t just forget that.”

She tilts her head to one side. “I am glad that you’re okay, and I’m glad that you’re dealing with your past. But you and me? I just don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget how you made me feel.”

Maya nods slowly, her face full of sorrow. “I’m sorry. I wish…”

“I know,” Carina says. “Me too.”

Maya’s shoulders drop and she pushes her empty cup away from her. “I should let you enjoy your coffee in peace.”

She stands.

“I’ll see you around?”

Carina smiles, her smile not quite reaching her eyes. “Sure.” She feels defeated, too, as she watches Maya walk out the coffee shop. She is starting to wonder if they’ll ever be able to move on while they’re living in the same city.

Day 73

Carina is on the ward when she hears the collision. The hospital walls shudder and there is a collective gasp around the room. She offers her patient a calming platitude before dashing to the window. She sees an overturned bus and a shattered coffee cart, bodies strewn across the grass and people crying. She sees doctors and nurses – her friends and colleagues – running to help. She hears the sound of fire engines in the distance.

Behind her, a nurse calls her name.

“Doctor DeLuca? Mrs Travell is crowning.”

Carina goes back to her patient but her mind is distracted by the chaos that is outside. She escapes as soon as she can, joining the crowd that are watching and waiting. She finds Amelia at the front.

“What’s happening?” she asks.

“They think the bus driver had some kind of seizure,” Amelia says. “Koracik just took him inside. They’re slowly getting people out of the bus but rumor is there’s a gas leak so they’re keeping the rest of us away.”

Engine 19 is nearby and she looks for Maya. Carina sees her arguing with Jackson, who is gesturing towards the remaining victims. She can’t hear what they’re saying, but Maya has a look on her face that tells her that she is not going to let Jackson onto the bus any time soon. He tries to side step her, but she’s too quick for him and holds out her hand, her voice raising.

“GET. BACK. NOW!” she yells at him.

Dean is behind her, squaring up his chest in support of his captain. Jackson storms off and dips under the tape that is keeping them away from the scene.

“God, that woman is impossible!” he grumbles.

Amelia gives her a side eye and Carina can’t help but smile knowingly. She watches as the team from Station 19 battle with the wreckage. She realises that she has never seen Maya at work before and watches her with interest. She’s strong and confident and smart; Carina can see her mind working fast as she figures out a plan to help the victims while keeping her team safe. Carina feels an odd sense of pride at how she manages the scene.

She watches as Andy runs up to Maya, pointing at something hidden by the overturned vehicle. She sees Andy gesture towards her. Maya looks over her shoulder and their eyes meet, but there’s something strange about the way Maya looks at her. She shakes her head and turns away. Whatever she has said has obviously annoyed Andy, who spins on her heel and starts walking towards where Carina stands in the crowd. When she realises what Andy is doing, Maya chases after her.

“Andy, I said no!” Maya says crossly.

“Come on, Maya!” Andy says. “You know if it was any other doctor, you’d let them make the call.”

Maya looks at her again, something in her eyes that Carina can’t quite read. Was it fear? She looks back at Andy and gives a small nod, before turning away and heading back to the scene. Andy comes over to her.

“Doctor DeLuca? We need your help.”

Andy lifts the tape and Carina ducks under it, following her towards the bus.

“We’ve got a vic stuck under the bus and we can’t get her out. The gas is leaking and it’s taking some time to get it under control. It’s too risky to use the hydraulics at the moment.” Andy talks quickly as they walk. “We’re one spark away from the whole thing exploding, do you understand?”

Carina’s stomach flips with nerves. “Okay, but what do you need me for?” she asks.

“She’s pregnant, 28 weeks. She’s started to have pain in her stomach. Warren thinks she’s having contractions.”

They walk around to the back of the wreckage. Travis and Ben are by the patient’s side, one arm pinned under the bus. Carina recognises her immediately; she had been her consultant during her fourth and only successful round of IVF.

“Doctor DeLuca, thank god!”

Carina steps towards her, but finds herself suddenly blocked by Maya.

“No heroics,” Maya says sternly. “If I tell you to move, you move. Got it?”

Carina nods. “Got it.”

Maya softens. “Be safe,” she pleads.

As suddenly as she was there, Maya is gone, heading towards the back of the bus as she demands an update through her radio.

Carina crouches down by her patient. “Margot, how are you feeling?”

“Scared,” Margot confesses. “My stomach hurts.”

“Contractions are three minutes apart,” Ben says.

“They’re not contractions,” Margot says. “Doctor DeLuca, tell him they’re not contractions.” She becomes tearful. “They can’t be contractions. I’m only at 28 weeks, it’s too soon.”

“Okay, okay,” Carina placates her. “I’ll take a look.”

Travis passes her a pair of gloves and she snaps them on. It doesn’t take long for her to realise that Ben is right, her patient is in active labor. Her heart sinks.

“We’re going to need an incubator. Have peds on standby,” she says to Ben quietly.

“What? No. NO!” Margot screams. “No, Doctor DeLuca, I can’t. I can’t have this baby now, you have to stop it. Please, you have to stop it!”

Carina takes her hand. “I can’t. Margot, I’m sorry, but I can’t stop the contractions. It’s too late. Your baby’s coming.”

“It’s too early,” Margot cries. “It’s too early.”

“I know,” Carina says softly. “We’re going to do everything we can, okay?”

Margot’s labor is quick and the baby arrives in twenty minutes. She’s small and limp, but breathing. Carina places the baby on Margot’s abdomen, her tiny chest moving slowly, as she cuts the umbilical cord.

“Does she have a name?”

“I was gonna call her Ruby, after my Nana,” Margot says, tears spilling down her cheeks.

“That’s lovely,” Carina says. She moves the baby up to Margot’s chest. “Give her a kiss and then we’re going to take her inside.”

She looks away as she gives mama and baby a moment alone, lowering her head and reciting a prayer in her head. Everyone around her is silent.

The newly appointed Head of Peds arrives to take the baby away, as Carina delivers the placenta and makes Margot as comfortable as possible. She stands up when she sees Maya approaching them and moves away from Margot’s earshot.

“When can you get her out of here?”

She’s impatient, knowing that every minute trapped under the bus is another minute that Margot spends away from her sick baby.

“Soon,” Maya says.

“How soon?” Carina presses. “Maya please, she needs to be with her baby.”

There’s an urgency in her voice that makes Maya shudder. “As soon as we can, I promise.”

Dean’s voice interrupts them. “Bishop, we need you.”

“I’ll be back,” Maya says as she spins and rushes to her team. 

It takes them another forty-five minutes before Margot is freed from under the bus and Carina watches from nearby as Bailey takes her inside the hospital. She sees Maya drop the wrench in her hand and walk over to her.

“Is the baby going to make it?”

“I don’t know,” Carina answers honestly. She feels sick, her stomach churning, knowing that there wasn’t more she could have done to stop the baby from being born.

Maya sighs. She opens mouth to speak but hesitates, taking a deep breath before she asks her next question. “If I’d let you go to her sooner, would you have been able to stop it?”

She looks up at her and Carina can see the guilt written all over her face.

“No. There was too much trauma. Her baby was going to come, no matter what.” She smiles kindly. “You saved a lot of people today.”

“Not everybody,” Maya muses.

The accident had caused a lot of injuries and they hadn’t been able to get all the passengers off the bus in time.

Carina reaches out and takes her hand. “You can’t always save everybody,” she says.

Maya simply nods and Carina knows that the baby is playing on her mind the most. Acting on impulse, she tugs at Maya’s hand and pulls her into a hug. She doesn’t know who needs to comfort more, Maya or herself, but in the moment she doesn’t care. They stay in the embrace until Maya’s radio calls for her.

“I gotta go,” Maya says. “Thanks – for your help today.” She keeps her face turned away and Carina knows it’s because she’s hiding the tears in her eyes.

“Of course,” Carina says. 

Carina turns and makes her way towards the hospital to check up on her patient, and tries to ignore the way her arms feel so empty.

Day 74

Carina rolls over onto her back and stretches out her body, her joints aching after a restless night’s sleep. She hasn’t been able to get Margot and her baby out of her mind. She’s grateful that she has the day off and can hide away from the world for the day.

She reaches for her phone. She has a message from Andrew checking in after yesterday’s incident and a message from Jo inviting her out for drinks that evening. She replies to both of them, then sends an email to the hospital asking for an update on Margot and Ruby.

The clock tells her it’s a little after 8.00am and she thinks about how Maya will just be finishing her shift. She knows not every shift is as tough as yesterday’s but she had never realised just what her job entailed. She opens the last message she’d received from her and taps her fingers against the side of the phone as she wonders whether reaching out is a good idea. She doesn’t want to send the wrong signal but she’s not even sure what the right signal is any more.

She opts for something simple.

_How are you?_

Maya is quick to reply.

_Exhausted. It took a while to finish up at the hospital and we had another call at 2am. I’m not sure I could have slept anyway. How about you? Any news on the baby?_

Carina types out her answer.

_Ok. Tired also. Margot and the baby were in my head all night. She’s in the NICU, it’s touch and go. I’m waiting for an update from the hospital._

She watches the three dots flashing as she waits for Maya’s message.

_They’ve been on my mind too. I never realised how hard your job can be sometimes._

People always think Carina’s job is simply babies and happy families. There’s so much more she wants to do, so much more she can do.

_I was thinking the same about you. About how dangerous your job can be sometimes – fires, explosions. Yesterday was scary._

When they were dating, Carina had tried not to think about the sort of situations that Maya faced every day. She trusted her, she trusted her team to keep each other safe. She had never wanted to think about Maya being one spark away from an explosion, like yesterday.

_And sometimes it’s stupid things like people trapped by their home security systems or cats stuck up trees._

Carina smiles. She finds herself suddenly wanting company.

_If you can’t sleep… do you want to meet for breakfast?_

She waits. Maya is slow in replying, and in those few minutes Carina wonders if she has made a mistake. She’s relieved when her phone buzzes again.

_I’d like that. Just tell me when and where._

Carina fires off her reply.

_Fenton’s, 10am?_

This time, Maya doesn’t hesitate to reply.

_See you there x_

Carina puts her phone down and smiles. It turns out there’s a reason not to hide away from the world today.

Day 80

“He was handcuffed?”

Maya laughs as she nods her head. “Hands and feet, butt naked. The bed was broken in half. The poor guy was wedged between the bed frame and the mattress, and we couldn’t find the key to uncuff him.”

“Oh my god!” Carina says.

“His wife was mortified, she hid in the bathroom the whole time we were there.”

Carina shakes her head with disbelief. “How did you keep a straight face?”

“We didn’t. Everyone kept finding an excuse to go outside to the engine just so they couldn’t hear them laughing,” Maya says. “Oh, I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time.”

Carina laughs along with her. “Your job is never dull.”

“Oh, come on, crazy things happen at that hospital all the time,” Maya says. “I heard that, a couple of years ago, a girl came into the ER with a gun inside of her.”

Carina nods, remembering her conversation with Webber as they had watched the surgery from the gallery. “Ah yes, gungina.”

“That’s not really a medical word?” Maya says incredulously.

Carina laughs. “Why not? It makes total sense!”

Maya laughs again.

It’s the third time since the bus incident that they have met up. Maya had only just finished her latest twenty-four hour shift when Carina had called to see if she was free for lunch.

In the last few days, they have found themselves in a strange but easy friendship. Carina still isn’t sure if spending so much time together is a good idea, but she surprises herself by how little she thinks about what happened to end their relationship any more. She chooses instead to simply enjoy the time they spend together. It’s almost like it used to be.

“So…” Maya starts, a nervous tone to her voice. “There’s a live music night at Joe’s next week and I thought…”

Carina looks at her. Was she asking her on a date?

“I mean, the team were thinking of going and, uh, I was wondering if you might be there too?”

Not a date, and Carina isn’t sure if she feels relieved or disappointed.

“Sounds great, I’ll be there,” Carina says.

Maya grins happily. 

At that moment, their waiter returns.

“May I get you anything else?” he asks politely.

Carina shakes her head, but before she can answer her phone buzzes calling her back to the hospital for an emergency in the pit. “Just the check, please.”

She turns back to Maya. “I’m sorry I have to run.”

Maya waves her hand. “Don’t be silly. I’ll get this, you should go.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course. You can pay next time,” Maya says. “I mean…”

Carina smiles, knowing that she’s already looking forward to the next time.

“Deal.”

Day 86

Carina is catching up on chart reviews when there is a knock on the door. She looks up as Jack steps inside her office.

She used to feel so much anger towards him and the part he played in her break-up with Maya, but seeing him now, there’s nothing. Maybe it’s because so much time has passed or maybe it’s because she and Maya are able to be friends that any ill feelings have gone.

Jack, however, looks uncomfortable. He clears his throat. “I know I’m probably the last person you want to see…”

Carina says nothing.

“… but we just brought Maya’s brother into the hospital.”

He captures Carina’s attention with that.

“What happened?” she demands to know.

“Andy and I were in the Aid car, we were called out to the homeless camp under the bridge. Andy recognised him. He’s been beaten pretty bad.”

“Drugs?” She knows there’s a history.

“Don’t know, maybe,” Jack admits. “He must have pissed someone off to have been attacked like that.”

Jack takes another step into the room. “Look, I know that you and Maya have been spending some time together lately…”

Carina raises her eyebrows. Something stirs inside of her – not jealousy, but irritation perhaps? The anger might have gone, but she doesn’t like the idea of Maya talking about her to Jack of all people.

“We’re all still on shift and B shift just pulled a double, so we have to get back to the station. Maya needs someone to look out for her. She might act tough on the inside but when it’s someone she loves… well, you know.”

She does know. It was one of the first things she had loved about Maya, learning quickly that her hard exterior shielded a warm, loving heart.

Jack looks expectantly at her. She nods, barely hesitating. “Of course,” she says.

Jack smiles gratefully at her. “We’ll be back as soon as we can,” he says. He goes to leave but pauses at the door. “She still loves you, you know?”

“I know,” Carina says.

Jack disappears from view and she stands, gathering up her incomplete charts. She makes her way downstairs to the pit, where she finds Bailey at the nurses’ desk.

“I was wondering when you’d show up,” Bailey says, not bothering to wait for Carina to explain why she’s there. “This way.”

Mason is tucked away in a side room. The first thing Carina notices about him is how small he looks, all skin and bones. His eyes are closed and there’s a feeding tube in his nose. His heart is being monitored and a fluids drip has been placed in his arm.

Carina smiles gratefully at Bailey and steps inside, drawing Maya’s attention. Her eyes are swollen and her cheeks are red from all the tears that have fallen down her face.

Carina drops her charts onto one empty chair and pulls another one across the room to sit beside her. “How’s he doing?” she asks gently.

Maya’s shoulders slump. “He’s badly beaten but Doctor Bailey says there’s no real damage – just cuts and bruises.” Her eyes drift back to his frail body. “But he’s malnourished and he has a chest infection. Some of his organs aren’t working very well, so… so they need to keep an eye on him for a while.”

She is visibly distressed and Carina puts a hand on her back, rubbing gentle circles. “Did you call your parents?”

“I called my mom,” Maya says. “She’s away visiting my aunt in Chicago, but she’s coming back.”

“And your dad?” Carina asks hesitantly.

Maya shakes her head. “I know that I should.”

“Do you want me to call him?” Carina offers.

Maya lets out a small, sad laugh. “No. Thank you, but no.” She reaches out and covers Carina’s free hand with her own. “I will, I just… I haven’t talked to him since…” She gestures to her hair. “And Mason wouldn’t want him here anyway. He saw it before any of us.”

Her eyes drift back towards her brother and sighs. “I should have done more.”

“You did everything you could,” Carina argues with her.

“No, I didn’t. I failed him,” she says before dropping her head into her hands. Her tears flow.

Carina drags her chair closer and wraps her arms around Maya’s body, pulling her close.

“No, no,” Carina says softly.

“He’s my brother,” Maya says breathlessly as she cries.

Carina runs her hand up and down Maya’s back soothingly. “Breathe, dolcezza, just breathe.” She holds her in a tight embrace, letting her cry it out and whispering soothing words every now and again.

Once her tears have subsided, Maya pulls back. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be taking you away from your patients.”

Carina smiles gently. “I came to you, remember?”

“Why?” Maya asks with a confused frown. “I mean – how did you know we were here?”

“Jack came by my office, he asked me to keep an eye on you.”

Maya looks surprised, and a little concerned. “Jack?”

Carina purses her lips, masking a small smile, and nods. “Uh huh.”

“Did he make it out of your office alive?” Maya half-jokes.

“He’s fine,” Carina says, amused. “He’s… he’s not a bad guy.”

She pulls a face, as if it was painful to pay him a compliment, drawing a smile across Maya’s face.

“Thank you for coming to check up on me,” Maya says. “But you don’t have to stay.”

“Please,” Carina says waving her arm towards the pile of files on the floor. “I have so many charts to catch up on, you’ll be doing me a favor if you let me hide away in here.”

Maya knows she’s just being kind.

“It’s not your job to take care of me,” she says. “Not any more.”

Carina knows that and yet here she is – and here she wants to be. She has no intention of leaving.

She tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear, causing a visible shiver to run down Maya’s spine.

“Well, today it is,” Carina says softly.

Day 89

Carina is sat beside Mason’s bed, a book nestled on her lap. The machines around her beep periodically. She has one ear listening for a sign that something is wrong as she reads. She has read the same paragraph three times already but the words won’t stick in her head. Her eyelids are heavy and she feels her head drop every now and again, jolting her back awake.

It’s where Andrew finds her just before lunch time.

“What are you doing here?” he asks, leaning against the door frame. “I thought it was your day off?”

“It is,” Carina says, rubbing her eyes.

“Uh huh,” Andrew says knowingly. “I didn’t hear you come home last night? Or any night this week.”

Carina glares at him and Andrew raising his hands, as if defeated. Before he has time to make another wise crack, Bailey bustles in.

“You still here?” she says to Carina.

Andrew chuckles.

“Where’s Bishop?”

“She took her mom home for some rest,” Carina says. She looks at Mason’s still body. “How’s he doing?”

“He’s making progress. It’s slow, but he’s getting there,” Bailey says. She scribbles some notes on Mason’s charts then looks Carina up and down. “You should get some rest too, you look like hell.”

With that, Bailey is gone.

“She’s right, you do,” Andrew says, stepping inside the room.

“I promised I’d stay here until Maya gets back,” Carina says.

“Why?”

Carina looks at him, confused. “What do you mean?”

“She’s not your girlfriend any more, right?” Andrew probes. “You keep telling me it’s over, that no matter how hard she tries you can’t take her back. And yet, the moment she needs you, you’re here.”

He looks at her. “It’s almost like you still really care about her.”

Carina doesn’t say anything.

“I’m just saying, I’ve never seen you as happy as you were when you were together, and I’ve never seen you so miserable as you are without her,” Andrew says. 

“It’s not that simple,” Carina says.

“Do you love her?”

“Andrea…”

“Do you love her?” Andrew repeats.

“Yes,” Carina answers. The truth is she never really stopped loving Maya, she just buried it deep down inside her. “But…”

“But what?” Andrew interjects.

Carina sighs irritably. “How do I let her back in? She hurt me. How am I supposed to trust that she’ll never do it again?”

“You just have to try,” Andrew says. “Life is messy, love is messy. But sometimes you just have to have a little faith in people.”

Carina studies him, her eyes narrowing thoughtfully. “When did my stupid baby brother get so wise?”

Andrew smiles. “You deserve to be happy, Carina. And if Maya is your chance at being happy, be brave and take it.”

He walks over to her and places a kiss on the top of her head. “Get some rest,” he says as he walks out the door.

Carina looks back at Mason and lets her mind wander as she thinks about what Andrew said. She wants so much to be able to open up and let Maya back in, but there’s a persistent fear that sits heavy on her chest when she thinks about how much it hurt to lose her the first time. She doesn’t know how to let that fear go.

Maybe a friendship would be enough?

Her phone buzzes and she opens a message from Maya.

_Mom just woke up, we’ll be back soon. Everything ok with Mason?_

Carina taps out a reply.

_Yes, he’s ok. See you soon, don’t rush._

She pauses and adds a ‘x’ before hitting send.

Maybe not.

Day 100

Two weeks after Mason is first admitted to Grey Sloan, Bailey signs his discharge form and releases him into the care of his family. It’s also the first day in two weeks that Carina doesn’t spend with Maya. She’s been by her side the whole time: she was there when Mason finally opened his eyes; she was there when his feeding tube was removed; she was there when he was finally strong enough to get out of bed.

On the day he goes home, she stays away. She tells herself it’s a family moment and she doesn’t want to impose. She buries herself in work, making progress with her research project now that Bailey has agreed to fund it. She has lunch with Amelia and Jo. She doesn’t allow herself time to dwell on her feelings.

If she did, she’d have to acknowledge that it’s killing her; it’s killing her to be around Maya and not be able to love her like she wants to. Andrew told her to be brave, but she’s not sure she can be.

When Maya calls her, she lets it go to voicemail.

A mother in premature labor distracts her for the afternoon. It’s a happy outcome, mama and baby doing well, and she’s grateful for that. She drives Andrew home at the end of the day and sits at the kitchen island as he cooks.

She excuses herself after dinner and disappears to her bedroom, curling up on her bed and finally allowing herself to listen to the voicemail that’s been waiting for her.

_“Hey, it’s me. I, uh, I missed seeing you today. Mason’s home, at my mom’s. He’s happy to be out of the hospital. We all are. I’m just about to head back to my apartment and, uh, I wanted to say thank you. For being there these last couple of weeks. I don’t know how I would have got through it without you. Anyway, I have the next couple of days off to help Mason get settled. I’d really like to see you not at the hospital. Say thank you in person. Lunch maybe? So call me, or drop me a text, let me know when you’re free? I, um… bye.”_

Carina immediately hits replay and listens to the message again. She hears it in the sound of her voice – the love, the wanting. She knows that Maya will come running into her arms if she asks her to.

She just has to be brave enough to open them.

Carina heads downstairs, grabs her bag and car keys, and yells a goodbye to Andrew, slamming the door behind her before he has chance to respond. Her head is spinning. She has no idea what she’s going to say when she gets to Maya’s building.

She pulls up outside and slips in the front door as she passes Maya’s neighbor on his way out. She heads straight to Maya’s apartment and knocks three times, knowing that a moment’s hesitation might send her running in the opposite direction.

“Just a second!” comes a cry from inside. When Maya opens the door, she’s dressed in her pyjamas with a sports hoodie wrapped around her for warmth.

“Hi,” she says, the surprise in her voice obvious.

“Hi. Can I come in?”

“Of course.” She steps aside and lets Carina inside. “Is everything alright?”

“I got your message,” Carina says. “And yes, lunch would be good.”

Maya’s brow creases. “Okay. You could have told me that in a text, you know? What’s going on?”

Carina fidgets, wringing her hands nervously in front of her chest.

“I wasn’t ready,” she says. “I wasn’t ready to just forget what happened. I wasn’t ready to trust you again.”

Maya just watches her, her big, soulful eyes piercing straight through her.

“But now I think I am ready. At least, I’m ready to try. Because… I love you too, Maya. I tried to tell myself that I didn’t, but… but I do.” Carina takes a deep breath. “And what you did, it hurt me. But loving you and not being with you? It hurts even more.”

Maya opens her mouth to speak but Carina cuts her off.

“I can’t just jump back into where we were,” she says. “It’s not that easy. But maybe… maybe we can take a few steps back and try again?”

She waits for Maya’s reaction, her leg bouncing nervously. She doesn’t have to wait long before Maya smiles.

“I would really like that.”

Carina drops her hands and holds out her arms, craving her embrace more than anything. Maya practically runs into them. Carina pulls her close and holds her tight against her body. Maya circles her arms around Carina’s waist and buries her face into her chest.

“Mi sei mancato,” Carina murmurs.

It’s not the first time she has held Maya in the last few weeks, but this feels different. Her heart doesn’t feel broken any more, it feels open to the possibility of love for the first time in months.

She loosens her hold and looks down at Maya, running her fingers through her short hair. She meets Maya’s gaze and lowers her head to capture her in a slow, gentle kiss.

As she pulls back, Maya’s grip tightens. “Stay,” she begs quietly.

“Small steps, il mio amore,” Carina says softly.

She runs her thumb affectionately over Maya’s lips before shuffling out of the embrace. Maya relents and drops her hands from Carina’s waist, stepping back.

“Small steps,” Maya repeats, as if promising it to herself and Carina.

Carina walks to the door, only pausing when Maya calls out to her.

“How about lunch tomorrow?”

Carina turns and smiles. “It’s a date.”


End file.
